Twelfth of April 2012

The twelfth of April 2012

Today, I begin my adventure: writing this first blog!  I'm starting a fresh start today.  Usually everyone believes that the fresh start begins on the first day of every new year.  However, I am taking a stand and I'm making it today!  Why not? 

I have been very sad lately.  I think the fears of what is to come and what I haven't done has been gripping my heart.  I feel the tightness in my throat and the palpitations of my heart feverishly thumping against my chest.  I have not been able to sleep and for me that's odd.  I am able to knock out on my brand new bed and I usually can fall asleep as if nothing happened during that day.  However, I am taking the stresses of my job and at home with me in my sleep.  Today, I refuse to allow this to continue and the best way to make myself sleep again is to let go of the pain, stress, and the fears.  I can let go by writing.  This is the purpose of my blog as well as my journey with God and those who decide to come for the ride.

What are my fears?  Well below is my list:
1. not being in a strong relationship with God
2. hurting God and others
3. hurting myself by not taking care of myself
4. failing as a sister, daughter, cousin, fiancee
5. failing as a teacher
6. darkness
7. being hurt by the people I love
8. being criticized
9. everyone seeing my weakness
10. not living

How can I change this?  Well below is my list:
1. make it important to communicate with God daily!

2. don't worry-just live knowing my heart is after God's heart!

3. don't worry-take care of yourself day by day (one day at a time)

4. i'm not perfect, so I can't expect to live perfectly-don't worry-just live! No one has to agree with the decisions I make.  They must accept me for who I am and not worry about pleasing them!

5. again, not perfect...I am always trying as a teacher to be effective and organized.  It will take time-I just have to accept that!

6. God is with me, whom shall I be afraid of?  He is with me!  I have to choose to trust in Him!

7. No one is perfect!  The world will fail us, but God will never fail us!  I can't put my whole trust in people who aren't perfect!  I just have to believe and hope for the best.  If something wrong happens, I will survive.  It is not the end of the world!

8. Well...no one will agree with every choice I make: fiance, religion, job, bed, school, friends I have or don't have, lifestyle, car, way I teach, way I speak, way I laugh, way I dress, way I do my hair.  It's okay..because I am me-either take it or leave it!  I will survive!  Oh, and God accepts me for me!  That's all I need!

9. No one really can see ALL my weakness.  Of course, they will see my imperfections and my weaknesses.  However, I am working on myself daily with the help of God's grace and Holy Spirit.  Ultimately, they don't have a right to judge, but I can consider their constructive criticisms as advice for me to grow into a stronger person!  I ultimately decide!

10. I want to learn how to ride horses, play the piano, act in plays, learn how to break dance, teach children how to dance, create a center for children, travel to Italy, Greece, England, Japan, Ireland, Ecuador, Canada, and Alaska.  I love cultures and want to learn everything!  I want to learn how to speak Korean.  I want to be better at setting up outings with friends in advanced..not very good at it.  I guess because I am very spontaneous and last-minute.  That's how I work best...sometimes.  I have become a teacher, learned salsa, ballroom dancing, the saxophone, played soccer, softball, volleyball, tennis, table tennis, and basketball.  I have tutored and initiated clubs at my schools, so I have lived and I can still do the things I always wanted to do.  It's just going to be one step at a time!  If I fulfill even just one or two, that's okay...but I really want to fulfill them all!

In the end, my fears all come down to me...what am I going to do about them.  I am going to live by faith, hope and love!  If I continue to live in this paralyzing demeanor, I won't be able to enjoy the life God gave me.  Today, I am deciding to live!  This is one step I am taking to move forward.

만납시다